These days I slip between extremes. I go from swiping at the dark thoughts that buzz around my cranium like hungry mosquitoes, to letting them perch on finger to have a drink. I am at once dismayed at the absence of relationships and happy that there is something to be missing in the first place. To be honest I’ve been pretty skeptical of the integrity of my future relationships since the time I was young, so I’m surprised there is something to long for. When memories hit I usually can’t tell if I want to cry or laugh.
These usually sound the same these days so it’s becoming hard to tell the difference. And I find that I’m so tired that I don’t much care that I can’t distinguish. All I know is that something from the soul is working its way out of my body and chosen to take the form of creepy weep/giggles. I can’t do much to prevent it from crawling its way out and honestly don’t mind. I’ve learned that stifling monsters just prolongs the process of metamorphosis, and then you have even greater demons you’re confronting instead of beautiful butterflies. Not fun. So out it comes.
I know I’m being dramatic, but happiness and pain often feel the same nowadays, since the one always seems to closely follow the other. I’m not depressed, but my emotions are fuzzy.
Like sometimes all I can remember is the time you sat watching me eat ice cream because you didn’t feel like eating sweets and I was too much of a prick to actually ask whether you wanted to go for ice cream even though we hadn’t seen each other in months. My thoughts are like that last sentence: dense, complicated and drawn out.
And every time my left knee aches I remember the time I smacked it against the computer desk as you smirk-glared at me from the hallway. You were probably satisfied I was in pain because I’d forgotten to print my concert ticket and we were already late. We were almost all the way out of my development before you thought to ask, and you probably only thought to ask because you knew as annoyingly clever as I can be, forgetting to bring the concert ticket to the show we’d been eagerly awaiting for months is totally something I would do. What can I say? It was my first concert. I was still green and I’m glad I spent that time with you. Even though the fond memory is torturing me right now.
Oh no. Here they come. The if only’s.
If only I hadn’t screwed up so badly by simply being the person I was. I wonder what our souls will look like in ten years and how far apart.
“What a waste to be so alone. 🎶”