I’m such a drama llama.
I hate actual drama with people, but I can be so incongruously melodramatic with myself in my head. Even when my logic is pounding at my heart’s door and telling it to shut up, “I’ve heard this bit about five thousand times! Give it a rest already!”
I am finding my problems are so much less than I build them up to be and am continually ashamed of myself. I’m speaking mostly of my social troubles, of which you would barely be able to tell I have, because it’s easy to camouflage. My anxiety is an invisible burden which I have no need to shove behind my back for fear of being found out. Its nature is quite undetectable given enough nods, smiles, and echoing of whomever I’m speaking to.
Most people only want to hear themselves repeated and affirmed anyway, so this is easy. A fact I’ve expressed distaste of before.
It’s quite a self-centered way of being, wanting to be heard all the time and refusing to return the favor, but I’ve admitted I have my own brand of selfishness as well. I seek depth of connection without wading into the waters of relationship. You can’t begin to understand a person, or people in general for that matter, until you first know them. There’s a level of necessity for this surface level contact.
I have this conceited fear that if I talk to a lot of people I’ll attract too many people I don’t particularly like, and won’t know how to shake them off. Because despite being a pro at offending people unintentionally with my blunt manner, I actually don’t like causing others pain or discomfort. I do contain a base level of empathy that brings me an aversion to being the cause of pain. I just mostly see things so differently than other people that I can’t predict a lot of the ways they will feel pain, so I cause it anyway.
But this is a really selfish fear. One I thought I had disengaged myself with. It all comes back to me being afraid I will have to give too much. Which is not completely unreasonable since there are a lot of leeches out there who bring nothing to the table but a suction cup mouth, however it is selfish nonetheless. So what? I’ll end up giving more than I receive. It’s not exactly a fun way to live, but it’s a way of life I’ve claimed to support, all the while not putting into practice socially.
It’s so essential to my growth as a person and is stunting my current relationships, and still I have yet to deal with it. I’ve been staring my interpersonal issues in the face for so long that I have at least finally identified them. The problem is, that it’s been so long that I’ve also forgotten how to act on resolving them, even when I know how. Or at least know how to start. I’ve been on pause discussing strategy for such an extended length of time that I’ve forgotten it takes an action to put that strategy into effect.
It’s things like these that I justly beat myself up about not putting into play. Life is the sort of game where you have to put yourself at risk to level up. The trick is to beat each level without using any cheat codes, (like manipulating people), because it’s lame to beat it unethically. If you do, you will level up, but the win won’t be worth much in the end.
Growing as a person is such a continuous battle of getting yourself to face your fears, irrational and otherwise. And not only face them, but to get up and fight them.