I have often considered what the cause of this all encompassing sense of hopelessness that sometimes overtakes me is. It doesn’t feel like a chemical imbalance. Especially in the way that I am able to continue through my days. At worst, it only threatens to cripple my motivation enough to interrupt my daily life, but it almost never does. I am quite functional. In fact, I would even go as far at to state that I am happy. Or at least I should be. The state of my life in all arenas (work, family, play, etc.) is very satisfactory. There is nothing I can point to as saying is wrong. There are things that I am working on, relationships, but that’s normal. Although I use it because it is the closest I can come to explaining my current condition, I have difficulty describing myself as “mildly depressed,” because even the term itself is a contradiction.
How can one be,
just slightly despondent?
It doesn’t really make sense. But at the same time I know I should at least describe things as being wrong. There is a very notable sense of melancholy that presents itself often enough to be a red flag. Call it high functioning depression, I suppose.
A low volume siren that warns “Wee-oo, wee-oo. Normal people don’t fantasize about their life ending. Even if it’s mostly in a “whoops, that’s just the way it worked out, whoopee, kind of way.”
I’ve gotten better in the last few months. There has been a notable lessening in the frequency of these thoughts, partially due to therapy sans meds. But I can’t say I’ve fully shaken this pall over my existence.
I’ve been thinking.
I know, I know. What’s knew? But hear me out.
Part of my therapy sessions used to constitute accepting the causeless nature of such a dip in life motivation. And I understand why she chose to sharpen that ability of mine. It brings a certain measure of peace without closure, but at the same time, I haven’t fully accepted this approach.
Lately, it’s really been smacking me in the face how unequal our society is. And when I say our society, I mean our global community in general. Our approach to things is crazy stupid. It’s stupid that millions of people are still in danger of starving and dying from unclean water. It’s stupid that wars are still happening, because seriously for what? Nothing is worth the atrocities that happen during wartime. Why haven’t we woken up enough to not be so confounded selfish? Even the few just wars that are being fought, I wish there wasn’t a need for them. That whatever skirmish that happened between nations over land, money or religion would dissolve. Can’t we all just shake hands and let bygones be bygones? Compromise is not so hard if we would just learn to forgive and let go of desires that can’t (or shouldn’t) be met. It’s also stupid that people don’t have enough access to or freedom from discrimination to get the mental health services they need in order to not feel like they have to go shoot up a school or bully someone else into committing suicide themselves.
There’s so many more things that are unbelievably stupid that we should’ve already gotten over. The list goes on. But what’s most frustrating is that it’s not like the solutions to them are rocket science. They could hypothetically be very successfully executed. It’s simply the unwillingness of man to come together and compromise that keeps it from happening. One person over there who wants to keep their power, a few over there who want to keep their money. All it takes is a small group of people with enough power who want to keep others less than for the whole panacea to disintegrate. The hope of world peace falls apart every time,
because the sad reality is,
there will always be people who are too afraid of losing their positions of security to give selflessness a try,
so we will always be broken.
The world will always be broken. We’re too busy tearing each other apart or pretending the carnage isn’t happening to reach any compromise.
It makes me feel sick, because it feels like no matter how hard I try to spread a little love and light through my life’s actions, it will never be enough. I’m fighting a losing battle, at least in this life, and that is just a tad discouraging to face on the daily basis.
I’m thinking maybe that’s part of why I’ve been feeling the way I have. This sense of hopelessness has gripped me, that I’ll never get it right enough to really fix anything. Sure, I can make a difference in the lives of my students, my family, and my friends. But there will always be someone gasping for air across the planet, the country, or even my neighborhood that I will not be able to reach. The constant cycle of losing people is depressing, in the most non-overused sense of the word. Everyone is worth love and attention and being saved, but I have to face this reality that countless souls are being lost anyway. It’s enough to take a person out, to convince them to stop trying since they matter so little in the grand scheme of the universe anyway. Even though mentally I know that’s a stupid choice.
It’s better to do something than nothing at all.
It’s just hard to motivate yourself when you’re hardly a blip on the cosmic radar. Maybe one day I’ll make peace with the fact that every breath I take is very-almost an exercise in futility.
The key word is “almost,” I guess.